


what are you afraid of?

by casgirlsam



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s05e06 Mortal Khanbat, M/M, Minor Nora Darhk/Ray Palmer, also side note: adam tsekhman's nickname for constantine is cute so sue me for THAT too, helpful ray palmer, im a slut for the found family trope so sue me, post episode mortal khanbat, ray being a cutie, ray being gary's big brother, well our sweet boy tries anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:26:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26198560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casgirlsam/pseuds/casgirlsam
Summary: Ray turned back to John. “You clearly, you know, like-like him—““We’re not 12 year old girls."“—So what exactly is your problem?”*takes place after mortal khanbat*
Relationships: John Constantine/Gary Green
Comments: 13
Kudos: 46





	what are you afraid of?

**Author's Note:**

> oh look! another fic based off of my use of the repeat function on spotify! and GASP another non-spn fic! WOW
> 
> thanks goes to, as always, my favorite beta and love [nickelkeep](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nickelkeep/pseuds/nickelkeep). ❤

_“Every time I try to get a little closer_

_You shut down and the conversation's over_

_I'm right here, but you leave me in the dark_

_Show me your private parts._

_Give it up baby, what are you afraid of_

_Love sucks when you don't know what it's made of_

_We get naked but I can't undress your heart_

_Show me your private parts”_

The day after John’s brush with death, he was off doing… whatever Constantine thing he needed to do. Ray was hanging back, opting to help at the house while he cooked up ideas on how to propose to Nora. John was right. Life was too short for waiting for a magic point in time.

He put the final dish away from lunch and went off to recruit Gary to help him with proposal plans. The warlock apprentice seemed to be in much better spirits today. He grinned, thinking about last night and John’s sudden recovery. Ray knew from experience what it was like seeing someone you care about die and miraculously come back to life. It was… emotionally exhausting if he was honest. But it also came with overwhelming relief.

Gary was currently in the sitting room, still dressed in dress shirt and slacks, sitting cross-legged on the couch, face scrunched in concentration, and eyes lit up in wonder as he read from a leather-bound spellbook.

(Ray had asked him about the office-semi-formal attire earlier that day and Gary had simply told him that it helped him get him in a working mode since he thrived on having some routine in the crazy life that was life as a Legend and Constantine’s apprentice)

Ray sat down on the other end of the couch, proposal plans on hold. He decided he should check in with Gary first. Gary was… Gary, but he was still one of Ray’s friends, and he felt protective of him. “So… You and John…”

Gary’s ears turned beet red, but his eyes remained on his studies. “Yes?”

“You guys have gotten pretty… close.”

Gary’s jaw seemed to clench at that. “Just friends.” Ray didn’t miss the disappointment that his friend tried to hide as he said that.

Ray nervously tapped his feet to a random beat in his head. “Sure, sure.” He looked back at Gary. “But so are me and John, and he didn’t kiss me.”

The Time Bureau agent turned warlock apprentice closed the leather book and lowered it carefully to his lap. Slowly, he faced Ray, face hardened for a moment.

Ray’s heart lurched into his stomach. He never once saw that look on his friend’s face. Not since he was under demonic possession.

Gary smiled sadly as he gently thumbed the binding of the book in his lap. “He, uh, just does that sometimes when he’s excited.”

Ray felt angry suddenly, an instinct he hadn’t known he had wanted to chase Constantine down and give him a stern lecture. “Gary--”

Gary shrugged. “It’s ok. I’ve accepted it.” He lifted the book back to his face, but his eyes were not as focused.

Ray was determined now.

  
  


***

Later that evening, John showed back up, bursting through the front door. Ray was waiting in the sitting room, Gary having returned to his own room (Or was it Constantine’s? Did they share? Or did John actually give Gary his own space? Aw hell, Ray was confused and he wasn’t sure which gesture was worse). Nora had joined him a few minutes ago, body leaning into him.

He spoke up, voice stern. “Welcome home,” He gestured to the chair across from him. “We need to chat.”

John halted his journey further into the house and turned to face Ray. “Not now, Big Man.”

Ray stood. He had never in all his life used his height to intimidate people, often opting to slouch as much as possible to make people feel safer around him.

Today he broke that rule, stretching to his full height. “Yes, _now_ , John.”

“Fine.” John placed his arms behind his back and fixed him with a look that said he was planning to curse him if Ray didn’t get on with it.

Ray cleared his throat. “Um, well.” he cleared his throat again. “What exactly are your intentions with Gary?” he asked, voice lowering for an extra intimidating effect.

All that seemed to do was make John roll his eyes and chuckle darkly. “Why? You his dad now?”

The taller man only glared more.

“Look, Raymond, it's admirable that you want to protect your friend. But Gary is a grown man.”

“Debatable,” came a derisive snort from Nora on the couch.

Ray turned and faced her. “Not helping.” he turned back to John. “You clearly, you know, like-like him—“

“We’re not 12-year-old girls.”

“—So, what exactly is your problem?”

Hands went to hips. “You want to know what my problem is?”

Ray shrugged, sensing he went too far by the way he felt the anger that dripped off of his friend and teammate in waves.

“My problem is _you_ lot! All of you! You-- you kept forcing your company on me and making me a part of the team, and what has it gotten me, hmm?”

Ray could only stand there, letting the man go off.

“I’ll tell you what it's gotten me. Pain and annoyance, that’s what!”

Realization hit Ray like a train. He didn’t know why he couldn’t see it before, but now everything made sense. “I get it now. Why you’re trying to teach Gary magic and why you were going to leave your house to him. You’re trying to protect him because you care.”

John stared at him a moment, face red. He laughed again, voice sadder. “You don’t know anything. I don’t-- I’m not--”

Creaking stairs had the arguing pair turn towards the staircase. There, Gary stood on the middle step, deer-in-the-headlights look plastered on his face, tears starting to fill his eyes. “I… I heard you come home and thought you might need some help, but I guess you don’t need me.” He turned and ran back up the stairs.

John sighed as he smiled at Ray sarcastically. “Thanks so much for your help, Raymond.” He turned and ran up the stairs after his apprentice. “Gary, wait just a second!--”

Nora came up beside him, biting her lip like she was trying not to say anything. “I really was trying to help them both,” Ray told her. Now he felt terrible.

Her hand slipped into his. “I’m not going to say ‘I told you so,’ but I am going to say sometimes people like Constantine have to figure things out on his own.”

***

Fucking Raymond and that man’s desire to help in the dumbest of ways.

It's not like John wasn’t aware of what his apprentice was feeling. Gary didn’t just wear his heart on his sleeve. He wore it like a jacket. 

He stood now in front of Gary’s room, frustrated as he jiggled the locked door a third time. He pounded a fist on the door as he cursed to himself. Why did he even give Gary his own space in the first place? Oh right. Because he’s gone soft, that’s why. “Would you open this door already?”

Seconds ticked by. Only silence responded.

John sighed again. “Gary, love, please let me in so I can talk to you and not a bloody door.”

A few more moments went by, and he was sure that he was going to have to do just that when he heard floorboards creak from behind the door. The door opened a crack, but the other man must have decided not to greet him and chose to retreat further into the room.

The warlock stepped into the small room. Calling it a bedroom would be generous. It was really just a small office space with a sofa bed in one corner of the room that wasn’t covered in books, tomes, and other magical items.

His heart fell into his stomach. God. Even when he does something nice, he’s an asshole.

Gary was currently at the small book-littered desk, back to John, and hunched over an open book. A sniffle broke the silence.

Bloody hell.

“Did, um, did you need something?”

“Something like that,” John replied, removing his coat and tossing it aside to the couch. “I need to apologize. I’ve been a right bastard to you.” Shoulders stiffened, but no response. “Apologizing is hard enough, could you at least face me while I do it?”

Ever-obedient, Gary turned. “It’s ok, John. You don’t have to.” That’s when John was truly able to look at his apprentice’s face. Eyes rimmed red. Nose the same harsh color. Tear tracks stained his cheeks.

“Damn it, Gary! Would you stop?!”

“I… don’t know what you want me to do.”

John angrily waved a finger as he stepped into Gary’s space, mere inches away from his face. “This right here! This… Loyal indentured servant bit. Stand up for yourself! Especially to me!” His hands gripped Gary’s arms. “Why do you think so little of yourself that you let me get away with the shit I do to you?”

His apprentice looked shocked for a moment before breaking out in a smile. Like he finally remembered something. John looked away as Gary gently framed his face in his hands. Gentleness, he fought against wanting. The same level of gentleness Gary always gave freely to John.

And that was the problem. No matter how many times he’s yelled at, berated, or used him, Gary was still there, patiently waiting for John to slow down and catch on.

Gentleness had always overwhelmed John. It was an aspect of life that could kill those he loved, that could get himself killed.

“John, look at me,” Gary coaxed as he moved John’s head back towards him. “I’m perfectly fine with who I am. I’m emotional and have interests that make me the laughing stock of everyone. Mallas showed me how very little of an impact I have on the world, no matter how hard I try.

“Gary--”

“Let me finish.” Gary cut John’s interruption off with a finger to the warlock’s lips. John obediently kept his mouth shut. “But even knowing that, even though I even jumped on Team Demon to try and destroy all of time and humanity, you all accepted me back.” He looked like he was going to cry again. He took a deep breath and started again. “My point is that I have a lot more confidence than when you first met me. I now know what talents I have to offer others. I’m fine with myself.”

John resisted the urge to run when he felt Gary’s thumb brush his cheek. “The question you should be asking is why do _you_ think so little of _yourself_ that you refuse to accept any care and--”

“Don’t--” John pleaded, emotions too raw to be embarrassed by how his voice cracked.

“--love?”

“I said, don’t!”

Startled, Gary let go of John and crossed his arms across his chest. “John Constantine, why are you, to borrow your own words, ‘afraid to carpe the bloody diem’?” If they weren’t having a serious argument right now, John would have laughed at his apprentice’s impression of him.

Instead, he stepped back into Gary’s space, crowding him against the small work desk. “You really want to know why?” he spat out.

Gary, still trying to hang on to his bravado from earlier, nodded.

“Because people I love wind up dead and I-- I can’t--” John’s shoulders slumped, his temper lowering. “You deserve so much better than that. Better than…” _Than me._

A small laugh came from Gary, and the next thing he knew, arms flew around his neck, and a mouth was at his ear. “No offense, Conny, but you’re a stubborn asshole.”

John slowly, reluctantly, wrapped his arms around Gary, pulling him closer. “You wouldn’t have me any other way.”

Gary kissed him then, tender and gentle as ever. “Never.”

**Author's Note:**

> as a bonus gift, i present to you my [constangreen playlist!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5iCGudopSZECXrDU9kSgqx?si=LgoVeGHmR2ijJE9wbD3H-g) enjoy and [follow me on twitter](https://twitter.com/casgirlsam) if you'd like ❤


End file.
